This blows

Just yesterday I received this urgent message from David Rhodes, our correspondent Florida, the incongruously nicknamed “Sunshine State”:

“#$%&!!!!”

Which, roughly translated from Floridian, means:

“Un-be-freaking-lievable! Another hurricane is about to hit, and I still haven’t removed the upside-down tractor-trailer filled with Payless shoelaces and funky-colored socks that the previous hurricane dumped in my swimming pool. Now I’m back in our basement bunker with my children, and quite possibly with my wife Cathy. I haven’t actually decided whether or not to let her in. (You remember Cathy, right? Would YOU want to be trapped underground with her?!?!) Anyway, I’ll probably open up once the winds start to hit 100mph. What can I say? I’m a softie. Besides, her constant pounding on the door is beginning to give me a headache.”

So, there it is. News from the Florida front lines… And all I can say is: thank goodness I don’t live there! Hahahahaha. Yep, and mighty glad that I’m flying to NYC this weekend and not Mia… uh-oh… wait a sec… let me check that ticket again…

Guatemala to Miami to NYC
Depart: Guatemala City, Saturday, Sep 04 at 7:00am
Arrive: Miami, Saturday, Sep 04 at 11:34am

“#$%&!!!!”

Ok, then, let me check the latest news …

Monster Storm Roars Toward Florida
Hurricane Frances, a 300-mile-wide menace, lashed the southeastern Bahamas with 140 mph winds on Thursday and was expected to slam into the capital Nassau on Friday. It threatens to deliver a huge blow to Florida by Saturday morning… At Miami International Airport, chaotic on the best of days, the scene was approaching full-scale frenzy. Anxious travelers checked their watches, fretting they would miss their flights as the afternoon waned and lines grew longer. "People are desperate," said David Gomez, an American Airlines agent.

“#$%&!!!!”

Well, there goes the vacation. And the worst part… the very worst part… is that my trip home is being thwarted by a hurricane… named FRANCES! What the heck kind of wussy name for a nefarious force of ruin and wreckage is “Frances”?

“Rocco”, I could understand. Or “Spike”. Or even “George W” would be ironically appropriate.

But how am I supposed to look my imaginary grandchildren in the eye and say “Yep, I remember the time I had to cancel a trip to New York City because I was afraid of Frances.” Oh, the shame.

So I decided to call the American Airlines office here in Guatemala City (aka: “Ah-meh-ree-con”).

Me: Hi, I’m flying into Miami this Saturday and would prefer not to, what with the hurricane and all.

AA: No problem. When would you like to change your departure date to?

Me: Actually, I don’t want to change the date. Can I change the route instead? Maybe fly through Dallas?

AA: Ummmm… let me check with the supervisor on that one.

Remarkably, impressively, and thankgodfully… American found seats for me on a flight to Dallas and then another to NY. No extra charge. And I arrive at LaGuardia a mere one hour later than my previous flight.

So Frances can kiss my #$%&!!!! I’m coming home!

[In all seriousness, I don’t know if Dave and Cathy and their children are among the 2.5 million Florida residents who have had to evacuate their homes. I would ask that you keep them all in your thoughts and prayers.

And for the record: Dave would never lock Cathy out, and neither would I. Mostly because once the storm was over, she’d beat me silly.]

Posted by elcanche at September 2, 2004 11:03 PM